in these kind of times nakakaguilty ang maging makasarili when you could be doing something selfless for other people with what you have and with where you are.

 Yes, there is such a thing as spending time with yourself even for just a short while. No matter how sleepy you are or how late you’ve left work, you must still take sometime to listen to your own thoughts. To spread them on the table and sort them out so you could decide which ones to keep and what to throw away. To write away the day’s happenings; the events that happened to you so you could learn how to count your blessings and be grateful for what you have so you would not yearn for something you just want but don’t really need.

To still find something in your life to be happy about.

Like the new pair of shoes with the robot design you’ve customized yourself, this is something you should really be proud because a lot of people like it and are gracious with the compliment they give you.

Or the thought that an internet friend considers you as one of her most treasured friends online.

Or how this hundred peso coffee tastes good even if you’re too sleepy and it’s not really doing wonders to keep you up.

Or how being by yourself gives you more freedom to write all your thoughts without distraction or any censor from anyone else but you.

Or how you find it weird that before you left work your co-workers are stupidly discussing their sexual escapades and one was boasting about his sex video while the rest are trying to analyze why the video was seven minutes long. And you, you were trying not to mind them but you couldn’t help but still listen. And now you’re trying to write about it even if you think it doesn’t really make sense to you.

Or how your thoughts flow from one topic to another and wonder how you could string them all even if you’ve already lost your original train of thoughts.

Or pondering why you have this fixation with naming all your things and why sometimes it even stresses you when you can’t remember the future names for the things you’d like to own.

Or how good it feels to listen to the click clacking of your computer Matilda’s keyboard while you type your thoughts away.

Or how amazing it is to remember some of your past lives when suddenly something just snaps inside of you and then what happened before floods you over, making you remember and transporting you somewhere. But of course, you don’t really talk aloud about it, lest people around you find you weird (which you really are!).

Or now that you’ve had your fill of writing this piece, you would decide to unplug the socket, keep away your stuff and decide to head home.

No you won’t sleep yet, after you wash your face and brush your teeth and say your prayers, you would read until you find yourself drifting away without you realizing that your book has landed on your face and until then you finally turn off the lights and decide to really doze off.

So another day ends and you pray tomorrow morning when you wake up that the day does not go on like it did today. Or maybe even if it does, you would still finding something different about it.

 dear lj,

how are you?

work has eaten me alive.

i need/wish/hope/desperate to be with positive happy people like purplerevolt and aphazia to feel happy/useful/positive/hopeful/creative again. it's been ages since my cheeks genuinely hurt from too much smiling and my heart felt like bursting from containing so much happiness. 

i hope someday soon i get to meet these kind of people and they let me bask on the light that illumines them and they be generous enough to rub their positivity on me.

pls pls Universe i hope you grant this wish.

thank you.

love,
jas

1. kung maniningil lang ako ng tig-lilimang piso sa mga taong madalas akong mapagkamalang taga-UP siguro may pambili na ko ng digital slr ngayon.

2. nag-eenjoy akong manood ng sine, kumain, mag-stroll sa mall, mag-ukay, mag-ikot sa bookstore at mag-people watching ng mag-isa.

3. pangarap kong magkaron ng coffee shop/bookstore/resto bar.

4. yung dalawang girl best friends ko nung college may counterpart sa mga kaibigan ko sa trabaho ko ngayon.

5. i have eleven gays and three lesbians coworkers, totoong diverse nga ang working environment sa ganitong uri ng trabaho.

6. nung bata ako gusto kong maging abogado, tapos nung high school nilagay ko sa yearbook namin i want to be a public servant someday, tapos ngayon bad trip ako sa mga tao sa gobyerno.

7. 5 yrs old ako nung una ko'ng matutong magbasa ng words sa dyaryo kahit di ko totally naiintindihan kung ano yung binabasa ko. Manila Bulletin ang unang words na natutunan kong basahin.

8. as of this moment naiirita 'ko sa isang katrabaho ko habang nandito sya sa PA area at nagpapacute sa telepono. ang nonsense nya kaya hello.

9. most of the things i own have names and only one of them has a boy's name. my current cellphone is named dranreb.

10. gusto ko maexperience tumira sa batanes.

11. pangarap ko makasulat ng novel.

12. someone told me that i am an old soul and this is my 18th lifetime already.

13. nobody taught me how to use the sewing machine, basta isang beses sinubukan ko lang kung marunong ako and well, it worked so i started making bags and purses.

14. i love watching people and making stories about them.

15. my future child will be named Ulap whether she's a girl or a boy

16. before i start my day at work i check my emails, do fezbook, plurk then have coffee.

17. nung college i wrote a sort of book for one of my best friends and gave a copy to her and our other friend as a graduation gift.

18. i inherited my mother's love of books and my dad's penchant for discovering new places although i'm not sure they're aware of that fact.

19. my future dslr will be named brando.

20. at work i am called the mother of all evil dahil masungit ako at terorista ng mga bagong interns namin. wahahaha! pero like all mothers i fuss a lot and nag my co-workers pag burara sila at makalat sa mga gamit at kinukulit ko parating uminom ng gamot when they're sick and they think that's carino brutal.

22. last year i fell for 3 guys who had something in common aside from the fact that all of them are taken. yung isa was named kit, the other one's wife's name is kit, at yung isa ang pangalan ng gf ay kit. toinks toinks toinks! bakit ba ko namagnet sa ganitong uri ng lalaki? sheesh.

23. i am trying to learn italian.

24. kapag umiinom ako ng pineapple juice naalala ko lagi ang semana santa kasi nung bata ako may pabasa dun sa chapel sa tabi ng bahay namin tapos yung pinapameryenda nila sa mga kumakanta biskwit tsaka pineapple juice.

25. i have two blogs, two email addresses and five online networking accounts and sometimes it's disturbing me kasi naisip ko hindi ko naman sila kailangan lahat at tatlo lang ata yung ina-update ko from time to time and only my real friends care enough to read about them.

i want a pinhole camera. may ipapangalan na 'ko sa kanya, Pining. lord lord pls sana po may matira sa sweldo ko para makabili ako ng bagong toy.

here's the deal:


1. The first 5 people to respond to this post will receive something handmade/homemade by me.

2. My choice for you.
- I will make no guarantees that you will absolutely love what I make you.
- What I create will be just for you.
- It will be done this year (exactly when, I am not sure, I'm quite a busybee!)
- I will give no hints as to what it might be.
- I reserve the right to create something extremely strange.

3. The catch: You need to post this in your journal as well. C'mon people. It's a new year. We can all afford to share a little creative wealth.

Send me your mailing address at:

jasmohammad@gmail.com :)

as of the moment:

may tatlong nagla-laptop, dalawang nagko-computer using the PC, may isang nagkukwento ng sex life, may isang nagde-describe kung pano sila nagchansingan ng jowa sa sinehan, may isang nagkukwento ng gay lovelife wooyeh, may limang nakikinig, may isang naglalaro ng nintendo DS, may dalawang bakla, may apat na babae, may isang nagagalit dahil walang thigh part sa jolibee delivery, may dalawang naka-braces sa ngipin, may isang naka-stripes na t-shirt, may dalawang nagbubulungan, , may isang kinikilig, meron namang isang baklang inggit at bitter, may isang natatae, may tatlong hindi nakanood ng sine, may isang kumo-quote ng "walang mali mali sa pag-ibig!", may nakahiga sa sofa, may isang baklang nangangarap na patulan sya ng cameraman, may isang 29-yr old na virgin, may dalawang nagdi-dispense ng unsolicited advice, may isang baklang gustong mag-breastfeed, may nakikinig at sinusulat ang lahat ng nonsense na ito.

yes this is our friday night at work.

so okay for the nth time i'm never even learning tapos tatanungin ko na naman ulit ang sarili ko why do i love hurting myself and where does this masochistic tendency come from at bakit ba ganun hindi naman ako masamang tao at di ako nanakit ng kapwa ko pero lagi nalang ganito kung hindi may sabit ikakasal may shota anuba anuba anuba may sumpa ba 'ko o nagbabayad pa rin ako ng karma from some lifetimes ago hay lord if i'm not really destined to be married and live happily ever after in this life pls naman po give me a chance to experience how it is to be loved back kasi lagi na lang ako yung bigay ng bigay oo alam ko po it's better to give than to receive pero sana naman for a change ako naman po yung makareceive kasi lagi na lang onesided eh tsaka super kaduper bigay naman ako ng bigay yung nga lang laging mali ata yung tumatanggap or karapat-dapat naman silang bigyan kaso up to some extent lang ata gusto ko naman pong magbigay yung unabashedly walang limit na pagmamahal yung tipong lumalabas na sa pores ko yung fagivig but it's all good kasi meron namang tatanggap whole heartedly hay love love love kasama na naman ako sa quota na sinasabi ni ricky lee dun sa libro nyang Para Kay B (o kung pa'no dinevastate ng pag ibig ang 4 out of 5 sa atin) minsan tuloy naisip ko kelangan muna atang umabsent or magsembreak mula sa fagivig o kaya day off or leave or isang matinding bakashon bakit kasi sa halip na sinasayang ko ang oras ko sa mga hindi naman dapat bakit di nalang ako mangarap maging missionary sa india or maging coffee farmer sa africa o kaya maging tiga-tahi ng doormat sa isang sweat shop sa bangladesh o maging kutsero ng camel sa saudi o mag pastol ng tupa sa new zealand na parang si mary had a little lamb its fleece as white as snow o kaya maging tour guide sa isang ski resort sa swiss alps o taga-bilang kaya ng penguin sa north pole at least yun me relevance diba?

watched the last full show of Narnia Prince Caspian and kept on thinking that prince caspian looks like that 90's matinee idol jaime garchitorena. and what's with the accent? couldn't distinguish if he was spanish, british, latino or what. maganda yung movie but there were some parts that i was reminded of The Lord Of The Rings. siguro dahil mejo hawig yung tema ng dalawang pelikula kaya ganon, pero okay naman sha all in all. had a good time watching even if i was just by myself. lately i treasure the times i could be by myself. going home alone. riding the jeepney alone. eating alone. it felt quite liberating in a way.

***

merong burol dun sa kanto ng street namin. yung mamang nagbebenta ng yosi na parati kong nadadaanan araw araw pag papasok na 'ko sa trabaho. kaya pala nung isang araw hinahanap ko sya tsaka yung upuan nya kase deds na pala. i've always wondered about this old man. sa loob ng halos apat na taon na pagtira ko sa street na 'to walang palya nakikita ko sya araw araw sitting on that long piece of wood selling yosi. pag ginagabi ako ng uwi nakikita ko rin na dun sya natutulog sa upuan. ang alam ko wala naman syang kamag-anak at yung may ari ng bahay kung saan nakapwesto yung upuan nya sa harapan e parang yun na ang sort of family nya. i think they let him take a bath in their house but not sleep inside. his only earthly possessions were his bench, the piece of cardboard he uses to fan himself pag mainit, a change of clothing and the yosi he sells. i don't know how he eats but i also noticed he had a green plastic plate placed somewhere along with his other stuff. i don't even know this old man's history but somehow i felt sad that he's dead. parang di na ko sanay na di sya nakikita sa umaga. lalo na pag nag-aabang sya ng mga jeepney driver at bebentahan nya ng yosi. o kaya pag kausap nya yung matandang barbero dun sa katabing barberya.

i wonder what ran through his head, what were his thoughts. was he lonely? where is his family? did he have a wife and kids back home in some far off province? are they aware that this old man is already dead? at bakit walang nakalagay na date ng birthday nya dun sa may chuva na malapit sa side ng kabaong? i wonder how long are the neighbors planning to hold his wake?
hanggang may nagtotong-its sa lamay tuwing gabi? hanggang may dumating na kamag-anak? at sinong gumastos para sa burol nya?

ano kayang huli nyang inisip/sinabi nung mamamatay na sya?